Muthure's Place - Poem to Self

I look into the mirror with you

Every morning.

I see the image;

Hard hair,

Face all nose and forehead,

Full, bushy eyebrows,

Only one dimpled cheek.

Tongue, pink and lovely.

You fold and curve and run it along

The inside of your mouth when in deep thought.

Firm imprint of your molars on its sides

From all the years of biting down on it in deep sleep.

You curse it sometimes

For being an instrument

In the orchestra of hurtful and selfish words,

Tumbling out and rolling over those lips.

Lips that turn upward ever-so-slightly only sometimes,

But more often than that

Open to reveal

The reason you refused to go to school one day

In nursery school if not ‘fixed’ immediately-

Inexplicable small dents on the four front lower teeth.

I take it in everyday,

I can draw it all blind-folded.

I know your body.

Birth mark below left knee,

Beauty spot on right foot,

Stretch-marked bottom,

Masculine hands,

Toned legs,

Short, fat toes,

Slight curve of belly,

Breasts larger than you desire.

And the scars…

Shadow of a few stitches on your right palm,

Tick-shaped scratch on your left shin,

And more.

As if your childhood memories,

Afraid of being forgotten,

Etched themselves in your flesh.

And it’s difficult to,

When they’ve left a playful map on your skin.

Skin that’s smooth for the most part,

Not chocolate but not quite toffee either.

Something in between perhaps.

I’m slowly learning to appreciate it all.

I know your dreams.

Outrageous.

Silly.

Lofty and impractical,

Delicately rooted in your every thought.

I want to let you know

That it’s okay to dream.

It’s okay to be ambitious.

And that sometimes

You should speak them aloud

Because not everyone will ridicule you,

And that you’ll be braver for it.

I’ve touched your heart.

I alone know its temperatures.

Its intentions.

All its different colours.

I’ve watched you try walk away from it,

And in turn felt it go cold,

The only sign

That lets me know

We’re expecting some sort of blow soon.

Sometimes it opens up wide though

And I’m left in awe.

I watch it smile occasionally,

The sight of which has never failed to move me

All these years later.

Once in a while I feel a deep tremble,

The definition of a hearty laugh.

And it’s then you really let go.

I’ve felt it love.

I’ve seen it shatter.

I held it up for you when you couldn’t bring yourself to.

I’m here to tell you all this will happen again.

I want you to understand.

That you will love again.

And you will break again.

And that it’s okay.

I must say,

I don’t quite like

This strange tenant in your cartilage and tissue,

Making your joints creak so loud sometimes

It jolts me.

Crook of elbow;

Fit to hold a child,

Mind and body not ready to believe

You’ll ever hold one of your own.

Bend of knee;

Moving with every step you take,

Walking towards destruction at times,

Running from the world at others,

Once in a while just managing crawling to safety,

But always moving all the same.

Crack of knuckles;

Perpetually trying to find... ways,

Words to put down

To try keep track of marathon-running thoughts.

Spinning ideas.

And never quite catching up.

Many long, wakeful and restless nights have past,

And I’ve been your only company.

The only one you told your nightmares.

I’m the interpreter of them all,

And sometimes I may have been wrong.

I apologise.

I do my best though, to let them not haunt you.

I try to make your dreams nice.

Make them wonderful,

Just to have you wake up with a smile so subtle,

Even you don’t know about it.

But you feel it.

That distinct tiny little warm glow you can’t explain,

Making you want to listen to that specific playlist.

I know most of the songs off the top of my head..

Let’s just say

I’ve studied you.

That I know you.

And I realise that I’ll still never know enough.

This isn’t to inform you of anything really,

Because you know just as much as I do.

It’s to remind you of things you forget.

It’s to try to calm your sometimes too impatient soul,

To make you take time to look and not just see.

It’s to touch you in places you’ve neglected in a while.

It’s to kiss you.

It’s to converse with you,

We hadn’t spoken in a while.

It’s to try make you understand,

That I quite simply... love you.

Sometimes without good reason,

But I love you all the same.

And to let you know that I’ll be watching you...

Joy Muthure

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I am female and in my mid-20s. Sometimes I dabble in writing, from prose to pieces penned to be spoken out loud. A few of my other interests include: [reading] literature, music, laughing, listening, loving and living (I am a big fan of life in general). I am intrigued by animals -ourselves included- thus my background in Zoology. Some of my “lofty” dreams consist of trying to bring ecosystem health to a balance, through improving the health of humans, animals and the environment they share. To this end I studied One Health (do look it up, you [probably] won’t be disappointed that you did!). I am an East African local with what I hope to be the mentality of a global citizen. I’m all about connectivity, and tend not to see things in isolation so feel free to connect with me!

Joy Muthure

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Miss Joy Muthure will share with us her writings and thoughts regularly on Muthure’s Place, every month, here at Opina. Hope you enJoy!

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